Indescribable Love

We had a great speaker in our Monday morning women’s Bible study, Callie Newton. The topic was seeing God’s greatness in ourselves. What perfect timing. This has been an issue I have struggled with for a while now. However, the discussion showed me just how far I have come in realizing the greatness in me. I’ve been able to see my greatness without feeling guilt or arrogance.

I met a woman in the group that is new to our church. I couldn’t remember her name for the life of me, but I knew there was something about her that I liked. We clicked. Later in the morning I found myself sharing intimate parts of my life with her. I told her about being broken before God in September, about the sister that God sent to be with me through my brokenness, about suffering sexual abuse, and about the death of my father.

When the conversation was over she thanked me for being so open with her. I had to stop and take a deep breath for a moment. I closed my eyes, scratched my head, and tried to replay in my head exactly what had just happened. I just told a complete stranger things I barely talk about with those closest to me. Then I realized the purpose of the whole conversation. I don’t know what she got out of it, but I know what I did.

My “pop” passed away in February, and it has been a strange four months. I have went through phases of refusing to admit he was gone, to crying crocodile tears, begging for him to come back. This past month I have decided not to talk about it at all. If I don’t talk about it, it never happened. I have refused to say the words died, passed away, and anything else referring to death. I woke up this morning with him on my mind – I’m missing him very much.

As I was sharing parts of my life over the last two years, I gave bits and pieces of the history with my dad. In August he was diagnosed with cancer. In September I had a nervous breakdown (or breakthrough as I like to call it), two days after we had an argument. I was unable to care for myself physically for several months. I struggled so much during that time, knowing I wasn’t there to take care of him. He was going through chemo and radiation by himself. I needed to be there to take care of him! God couldn’t do it by Himself, I had to help.

As I was talking I felt God’s comfort. I felt like a little girl sitting on his lap as he said, “Sweet child, I did take care of him. He was never alone.” Those words were so comforting to me. I have lived with guilt for almost a year, thinking that I wasn’t there to care for my dad. As the guilt ran through my mind again, God reminded me that my dad needed broken too. As I went through my brokenness, so did he.

Most of you reading this know the rest of the story. But for those of you who don’t, I’ll share briefly. I sat by my dad’s side for three weeks in January as he approached his final days. I took care of him, prayed with him, read to him, and just loved him. But most importantly, I had the privilege of bringing him to Jesus. He passed away in February. I was the last person to talk to him, and the last words I ever heard from him were “I love you”. At his funeral five people came to know Jesus.

As I shared this story with my new friend, I could see the hallelujah in her eyes. It brought tears to my eyes and a big smile to my face. God reminded me again in his lovely, soothing voice that He had taken care of my dad. I smiled and nodded in agreement that he certainly had. In a way we were broken together.

Things I learned today:

• I am recognizing God’s greatness in me.
• God teaches me things in amazing ways.
• I am comforted in knowing that my dad was never alone, even though he may have felt like it.
• I don’t ever have to wonder if I will see my dad again – I know where he’s at, and that is great comfort.
• I wouldn’t take back one moment, good or bad, that I have went through in the past ten months, because it’s now part of my greatness.

God, You are an amazing father. You know when to comfort me, when to humble me, when to break me, when to love me most. Through all of my stubbornness, pride, and selfishness, you still love me. I want to love like you love me. I want to walk like Jesus walked. Thank you for the walls you have broken down. Thank you for the comfort you have given me. Thank you for the days you wrap me in your arms and give me the most amazing, indescribable love. Tell Pop I love him!